So, my latest post at 2 Crazy Mamas was about safe people...you know, relationships where it's safe to be yourself, warts and all, to be honest, to deal with reality, all that sort of thing that we long for but have to work to find, cultivate, and grow in our life's relationships. I think it's a pretty important, and worthwhile, endeavor to look for safety in others and to cultivate it in ourselves. And it's been one of the most frustrating and difficult parts of my life here in Jackson. I have had a really difficult time finding people, getting to know people, who are safe to relate to. The handful I have found are gold to me...the kind of people you would name your children after, give a kidney to, etc. But in general, the vast majority of people I meet in the social circles I run in don't feel safe to me. I have a keen sense when I am with them of not being one of them - of being an outsider.
I did not grow up here, nor did my parents, or their parents before them. I don't have friends here that I have known since the newborn nursery at church. I wasn't a legacy to a sorority at Ole Miss. I don't fit the categories of "desirable" in Jackson. Nor do I want to. I am not in the Junior League, and I don't want to be. I do not stay home full time with my kids, and for good reason. I do not go to the Mom's Bible study at church, nor does it really appeal to me. I just don't fit the mold. And it's not an easy thing to live in Jackson, Mississippi and not fit the mold.
I have made a nice life for myself here, however, mold-fitter or no. I love my home, love my work, love my few friends. The rubber met the road for me in terms of not being "inner circle" last week at church. Michael and I were taking our obligatory turn at supervising the four year-olds during "church time" (church time is where they corral kids under 5 during the worship service, who are not yet encouraged to attend the church service). So they went to their 15 minute "mock church service" (training them to sit still, listen to the speaker, say the Lord's prayer, etc.) OH, funny side note...an elder of the church comes to say the Lord's prayer with them, and they all bow their heads to say it, and I keep my eyes open because we are supposed to be patrolling who is kicking who and who is crawling underneath their chairs, etc...So while they are praying aloud, I realize that the elder is reading from the palm of his hand. HE HAS A CHEAT SHEET FOR THE LORD'S PRAYER. I had to smile about that. Ok, back to the story at hand.
So the kids did their service, and we have about 40 minutes to kill before church is out and parents come to retrieve their four year-olds. So we pull out some paper and watercolor paints and see how long this entertains them. I am sort of roaming around from table to table, making sure everyone is okay, when I stop over Lucy, who is sitting with two girls. I will call them Beautiful girl 1 and 2. They are physically beautiful, have beautiful clothes, beautiful parents, and beautiful pedigrees. They come from the mold. I speak to them, asking them what they are painting. They know I am there when Beautiful girl 1 says to 2: "I want you to come to my house after church today, but I don't want Lucy to come. Lucy's mama is not friends with my mama, so she can't come over." Beautiful girl 2 responds: "Oh, I want to come to your house! But not if Lucy comes." All said while sitting across the table from Lucy, sharing a cup of water to rinse their brushes in. All said while Lucy's mama is standing over them. Lucy just looked up at me as if to say, "What do I do now?" The smirks on their beautiful little faces stunned me.
I understand the developmental place of four year-olds. I understand that they are learning about social structure and choosing friends and jostling for positions. Lucy comes home from school some days bemoaning that Paul wouldn't be her best friend, or Evie wouldn't play the game she wanted Evie to play with her. That's normal stuff...they are learning how relationships work, how to compromise with each other, and how to lead and follow. But what happened in church time felt entirely different to me. It felt mean. It felt intentionally mean. And while it was reflective of the whole unwritten social structure of Jackson, it was pretty astonishing to me to hear it out loud. Out loud from the mouths of babes. I didn't know what to say to Lucy when she looked up at me. I just put my hand on her shoulder and squeezed it.
Among the other hells my children will have to weather as part of the typical pains of growing up, I don't want them to have to bump up against the mold like this. And I am not willing to try to conform to the mold (as much as I would be able to) so that my kids might adapt to the culture better. It just seems like life, parenting, growing up, etc...are hard enough without this to battle with, too. Will there be a "mold" everywhere? A norm, a cultural preference? Sure, probably...but I want my kids to grow up in a mold that is less rigid, and more fluid; less closed and more open; more accepting of diversity, of newness, of curiosity about people who are different from us or just plain unknown to us. I have craved that for me these last ten years, and I'm just going to insist on it for them.
Later that day, I told Lucy that I was sorry the Beautiful girls were mean to her. She said, "Mama, why were they mean?" I said, "Honey, I don't know, but it hurts me, too."
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
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6 comments:
Ugh, Mel. Get yourself back up north. I DO think there is always a mold of some sort. In St. Louis it's the mold we grew up with, so it's hard to see it. I bet you'll see it more clearly having been away. And maybe not all molds are created equal. I think Lucy will see your example of thriving outside the mold and thrive herself.
Thanks, Em. I know there will be a mold everywhere we go. I have hoped so fervently that I am not idealizing the grass on the other side with this move. I don't think I am. I just don't know how to make my life work here in a way that isn't really hard. I really hope you're right - that I will see the mold more clearly after having been gone for 15 years. Most of all, I want my girls to thrive...whoever they decide to be, whatever they decide to do. Whether they are, after all, Jr. League socialites, or something vastly different.
EWW. It's like highschool pettiness starts way to early down there. poor lucy.
Ok, now look, girls, do you really think this is a down-here, up-there kind of thing? Mold is EVERYwhere, and meanness is everywhere, and yes, this jr. auxiliary non-socialite may be getting a little defensive of her homeland. Curses on those little girls, and curses on their mommies for training them so, but don't be as superficial as those people are by not scratching that surface and just allowing them the purity of being just-plain-mean!! Mike pointed out to me a long time ago (while he comforted me through MY years of being on the outside in Jackson) that all those people are desperate to belong and fit in--so much so that they want to exclude other people in order to make themselves feel accepted. The problem is not so much the mold as the trying to walk among different ones.....here we are, medical couple, member of Jr. Auxiliary (we do a lot of good work, ok??!!), vp of the Medical Auxiliary, our kids go to private school, invited to a lot of balls and parties.....but not all of them, and we miss a lot of the "good" ones, b/c we don't go to the big social churches here--would probably be classified as distinctly un-social, aren't members of Canebrake Country Club, and all the other things that make one socially acceptable here. My moments of discontent (and I usually catch myself on them) are when we are caught in-between the two worlds--for example, "everyone" in our demographic eats at Canebrake for lunch on Sunday after church(and we don't WANT to do that, to have to perform there), all be-dressed and beautiful and then makes plans to swim or play golf later that day or that week, but since we aren't there, we miss the fun plans and so do our kids. I'm not really speaking to the evil here...more bringing up my own issues...b/c I don't really know how you refrained from saying something really ugly, along the lines of, "don't worry, dearie, Lucy wouldn't dream of wanting to come to your house. She doesn't play with spoiled brats." The problem isn't the pedigree (and while I certainly don't have the pedigree, I'm sort of wondering how God allowed you to look past my obvious flaws and be my friend!!)--the problem is the heart. I know the feeling you had, I've experienced it and so has Emma, and it makes me want to punch people and go all Mama Bear on 'em. I bet if you got right down to it, the B.G. mommas are sad, sniveling, lonely women, just wishing they could be you--independent, smart, not caring what they think, strong, admirable and safe. Mike was stunned when I revealed my insecurities in his hometown---he said, "but what they all love about you is that you ARE different!" and I'll never forget the power he gave me. You ARE different, and they admire you are JEALOUS of you and YOU have added so much to that church (if you hate the mold so much, why DID you decide to make that your church home?!?!) and to that city and to my life. Let Lucy love those BGs and feel sorry for them--don't allow her to feel under their power.
OK...I'm quitting talking now--you know I'm stressed and am just generally venting on life, but I KNOW----and it IS like that everywhere... it is just that you were on the inside in St. Louis, and you crave that feeling of acceptance that you haven't felt in Jackson.......ok, I said I was quitting.
It's NOT just Jackson.
I think Mike just kinda rebuked me--unfortunately he needed my computer and did a little reading, felt I spoke too strongly...I know, I know, it's not the first time. I AM defensive, yes, but I just so want you to be happy and satisfied and I am so afraid that you have set such high expectations for the people in St. Louis, and I'm so afraid that they will let you down. We moved a LOT when I was growing up and people are the same everywhere. You know to look deeper at the person--it's never as simple as it looks. I am so, so sorry for taking my stress right now out on that post. It's just not all bad down here.
Sweet friend...I was not offended by your defensiveness of your home. I love you and your strong words, and I read them in the context of what I have known of your life the past week or so, and heard your stress and not your criticism. And I have much admiration for the determination with which you participate in this culture (which is NOT all bad, you are right) and insist on remaining yourself and don't compromise who you are. You are not of the mold and that is why I love you so. Of course there is a mold everywhere. And meanness, and exclusiveness, and pettiness. The grass is not greener in St. Louis. It is a bigger place, and I think that might make a difference. I don't think I am under the illusion that it is the answer to my outsider problems here, or that life and parenting there will be easier. It will be a whole different set of issues, probably, but I am glad that the mold here that seems so pervasive is not something I will have to contend with for the rest of my child-raising years. As to why we go to church there, a fabulous question...it's just a very complicated answer. It's certainly something I wish we could have changed long enough ago that it would have made a difference. I love you, and your not-country-club-lunching-on-Sundays family.
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